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CIA: Yes, We Imprisoned Mandela, Distributed Crack/AIDS. Problems?

CIA: Yes, We Imprisoned Mandela, Distributed Crack/AIDS. Problems?

| On 18, Dec 2013

On Wednesday, former President and CIA Director George H.W. Bush broke standard policy with BET’s Shanae Jackson and admitted the CIA’s involvement in the imprisonment of Nelson Mandela, as well as the distribution of crack cocaine and AIDS to urban blacks in the late 60s and 70s. He added, “Just fucking try to do something ’bout it.”

 

Bush Senior’s confession wasn’t limited to confirming the public’s previously held suspicions.  Throughout the hour and a half interview he continuously nursed on a 16-yr Lagavulin while disclosing vivid details on a wide range of Agency operations. From overthrowing democratically elected leaders in Chile, Ecuador, Panama, Venezuela, Columbia, and Argentina to ‘pranking foreigners’ on their own soil, Bush’s account of CIA wrong doing was both comprehensive and horrifying considering after every atrocious tale the former President felt the urge to issue a challenge to all who would oppose his clandestine little club.

 

“This one time in the motherland,” he sputtered, “we ordered up a twink Irish whore from a guy I did a lil’ business with in the 70s.  This kid shows up ready to polish us off when six of my best men zip tie his hands and stuff him in a rolling luggage bag.  We went out for drinks and ended up staying a week above another bar, so he never got out.”  Bush Senior took a long drag on his Cuban before continuing.  ”We had MI6 list him as a field agent to add a little intrigue when the police ruled it a suicide.  The papers love that shit.”

 

George H.W. Bush also divulged that his agency’s most successful operation, Panhandle Express, was also the most damaging for economic stability among minorities, both in the U.S. and in Mexico.

 

“When we started pumping the blacks full of crack and heroin in the 60s, the program only worked if we could hit a high rate of saturation.  So if 9% of Harlem blacks or more weren’t addicted to something, our network of dealers/distributors would have problems sustaining market penetration around the middle schools in less than a decade.  Luckily, we ended up hitting just under 15% across the board so the program has carried on naturally without agency involvement ever since.  We’re all very proud.”

 

“Of course this also meant the supply chain in Columbia and Mexico had to be robust enough to support that kind of demand.  So I guess you could say the CIA is also directly responsible for the coca fields and the cartels and the lawlessness and the beheadings and all that.”  Bush Senior lost himself in a cold, dead stare. “Oops.”

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